JoyAnn Elizabeth

 I've been very quiet on here, because I'm not really sure what to say.  I have posts drafted, I have a lot of posts in my head, but they all seem too vulnerable or too surface.  In my position, I feel like there are some things I cannot say publicly.   I'm working to find a middle ground, but until then, I think I'll just have to be silent. 

What a wonderful Christmas week! Brandon truly made Christmas magical for us all. We went ice skating, made gingerbread houses, saw Christmas lights, watched Christmas movies, and had some amazing family time. This was our year for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so we truly made the most of it.  It is also our last Christmas day with Avery, as she will get to choose who's home she is in when we are together on Christmas day again.  Christmas Eve of full of family time, church, and a fancy dinner. We also opened stockings and pj's, but out pj's were not the standard Christmas pjs, we instead opted for matching SKIMs sweats and sweatshirts.  Highly recommend. The kids had a wonderful Christmas full of presents, laughter, and food.  We made carne asada on the Blackstone, and finished the night off with pazookies.  It was an amazing few days before Brandon and I headed to Phoenix to see our families. After we dropped the kids off on December 26, it was an emotiona...

 Brandon and I had a quite Thanksgiving this year. Just the two of us, no traditional Thanksgiving day meal, because let's be honest it isn't that good anyway. So, we opted for something a little more our style, carne asada nachos! Anyway, I know Thanksgiving was over a week ago, but I think having a heart of gratitude is important anytime of the year.  So, here's a list of things I am thankful for: My faith and relationship with Jesus My husband Our three kids My parents, siblings, brother-in-laws, nieces/nephews Coffee Crime podcasts Audio books Photos Buying Christmas presents The way frost has settled the field in our backyard the last few days Trips to see my family My best friend, Megan Dinner with friends Ability to work Running The sauna Christmas decor Phone calls with my mom A warm house and fireplace My prayer journal Music

 A few weeks ago, I had the absolute privilege of watch my husband, Brandon, speak on the TEDx stage.  He is a public speaker by trade and speaks all over the country, I usually have the honor of watching him, but this time it was different.  I was able to witness his intense passion for speaking and helping others, this time it was in the red circle of the TEDx stage.  I am beyond proud of him and all that he has accomplished.  He works so hard for us that it was nice to see him succeed at something that he really wanted. We were able to take our oldest, Avery, with us as well.  And letting her see her dad's gifting and talent was incredible to witness. We spent the whole day at  TEDx, there were 15 speakers in total, and they asked Brandon to go last, because they knew he would be one of the strongest speakers and wanted to end the day on a high note.  And that they did.  Brandon blew everyone away with his communication, comedy, practical ...

Recently, we were having a conversation about being responsible and communicating with parents. It was brought up how the kids don't really think about the other house/other parent when they are not with them.  They sort of compartmentalize their two lives. At dad's house we do XYZ...  It was also brought up how hard it is having two homes, two sets of rules, two sets of expectations, three parents etc. These kids and every other kid in their situation have it hard.  Probably much harder than we adults think.  It made me think. We need to give these kids a little more grace and appreciation for the life they deal with on a daily basis. They have to remember to tell three parents all the details we want to know, they have three differing opinions about life and what they should do in any given situation.  Life isn't easy for kids in split homes.  Let's try to extend a bit more grace when they forget something or are having a hard day.  

  Seven Solutions to Seven Common Stepmom issues.  1.  Establishing Authority  - Establish authority gradually by building trust and showing respect for the children’s feelings. Work with your partner to present a united front on rules and expectations, ensuring that your role is clear but not forced. Consistency in expectations and grace helps the children learn the expectations.  2. Building a Bond with Stepchildren - Take the time to get to know your stepchildren’s interests and personalities without forcing a bond. Engage in activities they enjoy, listen actively to their concerns, and respect their boundaries. Let the relationship develop naturally, and be patient; bonds can take time to form. 3. Navigating Loyalty Conflicts    - Acknowledge the children’s feelings and reassure them that it's okay to love both their mom and their stepmom. Avoid negative talk about their mom. Encourage open communication and provide a safe space for them to express...

  A few months ago, Brandon and I were asked to be on the No Grey Areas Podcast .  The host is Pat McCalla, Brandon's high school basketball coach and a former pastor of mine.  Crazy how worlds intersect. Brandon and I had no connection to each other when Pat was in each of our lives. Pat asked Brandon and I to come on the podcast and talk stepfamily life.  There's a stat that says up to 70% of current American families are impacted by blended families. We of course said yes, we would be honored.  We are by no means experts in this field, but we've learned a lot, read a lot, listened a lot, and have implemented several ideas that have helped make our family thrive. I'll share a few here. 1. We don't say the kids mom's name.  She is simply their mom. That's it.  It honors her position in their life, while removing the relationship connection associated with her name.   2. We always pick up the kids on transition days.  They never get drop...

We spent the weekend in Vegas celebrating Brandon. Over a year ago we planned this trip, Jerry Seinfeld was playing at the Colosseum, a bucket list item for Brandon. This weekend came with a lot of planning and making sure Brandon had the best weekend possible. We also went to an exclusive magic show, called the Magician’s Study. It was amazing. We ate delicious food, Eataly, Prime, Alexxa’s, Ghirardelli. My main goal this weekend was for Brandon to have an incredible weekend of feeling loved, valued, heard, and understood. Every thing we did went smoothly. We truly had the best time and enjoyed being together making memories. Honestly not sure if this weekend or birthday can be topped, but we will try again next year.                  Love you, B. So grateful for our life together.

           Avery 11th -  Boston 9th -  Harper 6th    The first day of school...well sort of.  We were not scheduled to have the kids on their first week of school.  Which means no first day of school pictures. But I ended up picking them up from school on the first two days.  So, after the second day when we were all together and had a little bit of time to kill before Boston had to be back for football practice. I took them to Starbucks.  I was able to spend some quality time with them and hear all about their first (and second) days. I got heard all the details about teachers, friends, new school rules, and even heard about a new cute boy.  Thankful for these days with them.                                         

In my experience being a stepmom comes with unique challenges, it involves blending families, navigating new relationships, and balancing all kinds of emotions. These are the seven most common struggles that stepmoms face.  1. Establishing Authority : It can be difficult for a stepmom to establish her role in the household, especially if the children resist or feel conflicted about accepting her authority. 2. Building a Bond with Stepchildren : Creating a close and trusting relationship with stepchildren takes time and patience. Stepmoms may struggle with feelings of rejection if the bond doesn't develop quickly. 3. Navigating Loyalty Conflicts : Children may feel torn between their biological mother and their stepmom, leading to loyalty conflicts. This can create tension and emotional stress within the family. 4. Managing Expectations : There is often pressure on stepmoms to quickly adapt to their new role, whether from themselves, their spouse, or society. Unrealistic expectatio...

Every time we travel as a family of five.  Life becomes more simple. Particularly true for me, as a stepmom.  I get to live, if only for  a few days, like there isn't this dual life waiting for us back home. That it is just our family and there isn't a second home waiting for our kids. And honestly the mental break is so refreshing.  I experienced this most recently while in Coeur d' Alene, ID. We were with my family. on the lake, resting, recharging, and relaxing.  Well maybe not relaxing with all the jet ski rides, and tubing behind the boat. But in so many way it was relaxing.  There is very little talk of blended families while we are on vacation.  It just doesn't come up as often, there isn't as much communication with the other house while we are gone.   It becomes my little pretend world, that is just us five and we don't have to think about the other side of life.  Oh, how I wish it were just us five.  Life would be simpler,...

 If you are a stepmom or have know someone who is, you have probably heard them talk about a parenting plan.  This is a document created by the court for the rules to follow as co-parents.  Some parenting plans are very in depth and give you a lot of rules others are very basic and let the parents figure out the rest.  I would say ours is pretty thorough.  There isn't a lot of grey area, which I think is important in our situation.   Here's the thing, parenting plans only work if they are followed.  If at least one parents isn't continually checking the parenting plan then it's easy to get off track quickly.  It's easy for one parent to take advantage of the situation and other parent. 

A stepmom lovingly shows up knowing she won't be number one, and that's a heartache people don't seem  to understand. You knew the children were a priority. You knew the mom would always be their mom... But did you anticipate feeling like you're at the bottom of the list? We have to manage sharing attention with our stepkids. They deserve that time with their parent - yet we battle the feelings of wanting to feel included and valued. We invest our energy and care into our stepkids - only to experience the jolt to the heart when they run to their mom. No matter how much we give, sacrifice, and show up…she will always be their number one. It stings sometimes, right? These are the invisible emotions stepmoms carry. There's an ache in our hearts to be at the top of the list. To be seen, and loved and valued. To be someone's world, number one and safe space. We deserve that. This dynamic may be inherent - but your  feelings matter. You deserve to feel important. You...

  This picture came up on my phone today.  So, many memories flooded back to me.  I don't know the exact date this was taken, sometime in April 2020.  It was at our wedding shower, that had to be changed to immediate family only because of covid.   To me, we look so young, but in reality it was only four years ago and we weren't that young.  I was 33, Brandon 37.  But we didn't really understand the complexities that this life we were choosing was about to throw at us.  Sure, we "knew" but we didn't actually KNOW. We had read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, had ALL the conversations with EVERYONE, yet we still weren't prepared.  Some things in life just require hands on learning. Stepparenting is one of those things.  You can only be as prepared as the experiences you have.  Yes, the books, podcasts, and conversations helped a ton, but it didn't give us real life experiences. We knew how to handle this life better ...

 A nxiety is a word that is used a lot these days. It’s a diagnosed medical condition that many people have. I do not have a diagnoses of anxiety. But I still face anxiety, all the time. Anxiety when going to a kids event and their mom will be there. Anxiety when I try a new recipe and the kids probably won’t like it. Anxiety when I place expectations on myself for what a stepmom is supposed to or isn’t supposed to do. Anxiety when the kids talk about life before me. Anxiety when the kids struggle having two homes. Anxiety when people ask how I am doing with this role?  Anxiety over doctors appointments when decisions are made that I don't agree with. Anxiety when a request for money is made. It can all be a lot. I still struggle. I don’t always want to go to events. Honestly, I’ve had a few mini panic attack along the way. But I go, I show up, I chose my step kids over my own emotions, why? Emotions are not facts. Emotions are not always reality. Emotions aren’t supposed to d...

 Are you a new stepmom? Or do you know a new stepmom? If so, would you share this post with them. Here are a few things I wish I knew at the beginning. It’s okay to ask your spouse and your step kids questions. We jump into their world and don’t know everything. It’s okay to want a break from the chaos. It’s okay to have all the feelings toward their mom. It’s okay to challenge “the way it’s always been done”. It’s okay to bring your own flare to parenting and your house. I know this isn’t always possible, but move into a new house once you are married. Trying to fit into a life you were not apart of, is really difficult. Embrace your role as stepmom. Don’t try to be anything other than what you are. Be interested in what they are telling you, even when it’s hard or starts with “my mom doesn’t do it like that…”. What help would you give? Share in the comments below.

If you're childless not by choice, you're making the selfless decision to help raise a child who is not yours when you desperately want your own. To be  not quite fully a mother, but yet you're mothering. You help with homework, pack lunches, and soothe fevers, all while wishing you could also do those t hings for someone who calls you Mom - who runs to you first when they're hurt or happy. So here's to you, fellow childless stepmom. You're a hero. {The above was taken from the Inclusive Stepmom} This is something I think about often.  I am childless, not by choice.  It has been forced upon me and I am doing everything in my power do change that, but nonetheless, I am still childless.  There is no one to call me mom, no one to come running to me after school, no one that needs me or wants me first.  This is one of toughest parts of being a childless stepmom.  I see my husband get these things, I see other moms get these, but I currently do not. ...

The truth is, I have a lot to say about my life as a stepmom. The good and the not so good. But it’s hard to post on here. I overthink everything (anyone else with me ?) Being a stepmom isn’t natural, so there’s a lot of things that just don’t make sense. It’s hard to put it into words. We jump into a family that is already formed. There’s a BM (bio-mom) and a previous life and kids and in-laws and previous friends. In my case I moved to a new city in a new state, where there was a long history before I showed up. It’s not easy. It feels like we have so many things stacked against us. Maybe, just maybe, a lot of the pressure is self induced, because of our preconceived notion’s. Maybe, we need to just let it be and to be our authentic self’s and not worry about what others may think, say, or do. Just love your step kids like your own, love your husband like he’s never been loved before and go on with your life. Easier said than done, but it’s worth a shot right?

I follow a lot of step moms, and have unfollowed a lot because I didn’t agree with their philosophy on how to stepparent. One of the biggest issues I see with almost all stepmoms on here is this idea of disengaging. If this is a new term for you, let me explain. Disengaging as a stepmom means you step back, stop participating, don’t parent, don’t engage with, fill in the blank. While the premise of this makes sense and might be necessary, none of these stepmoms talk about the other side of it. What about the kids? What do they see when you, the stepmom, suddenly stops going to their events, stops helping with homework or meals or whatever it is that impacts their lives. Wouldn’t that be more rejection and hurtful in the long run? The reasons for disengaging always seem selfish and to protect the stepmom, while not thinking of the ripple effect. ______________________________________________________________________________________________ So have I ever disengaged? Yes, I have. It was w...

  Recently, Brandon and I were in Phoenix. We were down there for work meetings, but of course spent a lot of time with family and some friends. Each time a see a friend I haven’t seen in a while, one question always comes up.  “How’s stepmom life?” Here’s my current answer, as it has changed over the years.  I have it easy but it is still so difficult. I have it easy because the kids love and respect me and my role in their life. It’s hard because it’s so unnatural. It’s hard because while I am one of their parents, my voice doesn’t carry the weight of their biological parents. That’s not their fault, that is just the reality of this role. I follow a lot of stepmoms on Instagram, and I think it is safe to say we all feel this way.  The ones who have it easier than others and the ones who struggle just to make it through the day.  It’s hard because it’s so unnatural.  There’s a constant struggle inside of me, am I asking too much of them? Will they resent ...